I'll never live up to your expectations

god i love it

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:20:46 GMT

i guess because eventually it doesnt matter anymore.
it doesnt matter what you can get him to buy you.
or how blonde your hair.
how many uggs you own.
or how drunk you got last night.
if you have the newest cellphone.
or if you lost ten more pounds.

eventually you figure out what truly important in life. and the ones that fall into the catagories of selfish so called perfect wanting, well they just seem overly pathetic.

the best of worst timing.

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 20:44:36 GMT

its hard. it gets hard. i dont like it much. but then again i dont know what to do or how to change it.

you take the steps back as far as you can remember. each indiviual step. thinking about every twist and turn. ever stop you made. everything you drop. each thing you picked up.

yet you cant find it. that excat spot that it went wrong. that you lost something. maybe it was your sole.

either way, you might as well expect that its gone.

and your so fucked.

he thinks i'm on myspace

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 04:50:19 GMT

pretty much pregnancy sucks so far. i'm ALWAYS sick. and it sucks when i cant stand him right now.

i know i love him. but hes just so fucking annoying. and he claims i dont live him.

fagbot. i wouldnt be living with you and having your fucking devil child if i didnt love you.

i guess somethings everything just happens how it should. i just keep thinking about the baby. and me and jeremiah. and how no one thinks we will make it. and now i keep wondering if we will make it. i think we will. i hope we will. i know we will.

i think.

fuck off

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 06:22:55 GMT

i dont get it. i really fucking dont.

all i want is for you to listen to me. to support me. to be there for me. to help me. to understand. just to listen.

thats all i want.

but you're such a fucking dick. always. you cant even listen. just listen.

but no. no matter what i am wrong. and i am the idiot. and i am doing something stupid.

i just wanted your help. that was it. just for you to listen to me. and be there for me.

omg

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 04:34:24 GMT

i'm moving...

in with a boyfriend.

holyshit.

i need to hear the way your tongue taste in my ear.

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 22:30:36 GMT

he took me to look at engagement rings.

he bought me wedding mags.

he swears its real this time.

and i want to say i feel it.i know it works. but i can swear i feel it like he swears it here. for good. fuck. to be 12 again. to be able to scream again. to be able to just know that everything will never change. when everything changes no matter how hard to fight it. dont make me grow up already.

i'm not the one who fucked a stripper

Thu, 31 May 2007 03:08:11 GMT

sometimes nothings as it seems.

sometimes everythings just as it appears.

right now i seem to be stuck in between. i hate it. i love it. i dont know anymore.

lets be nothing. i heard it last forever.

itunes

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 21:37:25 GMT

stateboard is in 2 days. fuck i wanna cry. talking champange.

sooo pretty much my bestttest friend is almost 20. hahaha. shes cutttte and i missss her.

someone save me from myself before i stop.and the dog just ate shit into the carpet.

ps who knew hudson was a car??

take ur broke ass home.

i miss

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 08:37:10 GMT

my old house.

my mom.

my sister.

my cat.

my dog.

my room.

not paying rent.

i wanna move home.

i live on my own.

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 02:09:39 GMT

i got internet

i miss jeannie

i love my new job

i hate school

andrew and i got back together.

and broke up.

love this life.

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 02:34:18 GMT

sooo i got andree yesterday. fuck i love him but i dont deserve him. at all. but i payed for him so i cant be too annyoing about it. but i still feel spoiled.

shitttt niggg i need things.

black new ipod.
new cell phone.
window tinting.

so there is an even grand.

and what i need to pay my dad for

new matts for my car.
second key.
owners manual.
ipod dock.

and there is another 500.

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

i hate this feeling.

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:36:04 GMT

i cried the whole way home. the whole 2 mintues. that sounds lame. but i am still crying.

almost two years ago i lost what i thought was the most important thing in my life. turns out he wasnt. he wasnt.

but now. well fuck. my best friend. my best fucking friend since second grade is moving to san diego. leaving me in this shitting down. to deal with all the same drama without her. dont get me wrong i am sooo happy for her, but yea i am jealous and want to be selfish. i want to tell her to stay. stay here with me. deal with this shit with me. dont leave me. but i cant. i want to though. so bad. through out everything shes been there. through all the family shit in my life and hers we have both been there for each other. every shitty night. ever fun night. everything.

sapphire.
taco bell.
mission shadow walker take 05400686840.
shoe off the carpet.
vitamen water.
chicken salad.
lion cough.
stop signs.
wait no red light.
everything. my life.

she keeps me going no matter what. shes going to be 4 hours away. 4 hours. i cant handle that. whos going to go to taco bell with me after work? whos going to know the password to my computer? or get me to smoke when i never do? whos mom will call the cops on us? whos going to love my mom just as much as i do? who am i going to complain about life to? and do you pay this time i pay next with? whos going to call me the morning after and tell me all about it? whos going to convince me to call into work? who will know all about andrew simon? and what it means when i scratch the back of my hand?

i cant keep writing. i keep crying. sooo finishing this tomorrow.

i hate this feeling.

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 19:41:01 GMT

sooo you meet a guy.
and your not intrested in him.
you end up going out on a date with him.
but just for the hell of it.
and you end up liking him.
alot.
alot.
alot.
alot.
and you start hanging out more.
when you actually start to fall for him.
he tells you that he doesnt want anything serious.
and it kinda burns.
not because you were looking for that life long love in him.
but because you had hope for something.
anything.
and now you dont know what to do.
is he going to stop talking to me now?
or will we just see where things go?

i hate this feeling.

eh so no such thing

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 07:36:02 GMT

sometimes things are just wierd. nows one of those times. i dont want to miss the people i miss anymore. i want to just forget some things.

come september so many things will be different. new school. jeannie gone. his second birthday since we broke up. no more working. lindsday will be gone. all the np boys are gone. it seems stupid and like all the things changing are pointless but its my life.

jake come home in january. i cant wait to see him but its going to be so wierd. i miss him but i feel like i dont know him anymore. he moves back right when i am done with school which i guess is good. but i dont know what it means.

i havent been myself lately. i've been really quite and not very outgoing or hyper. pretty much i havent been me. and i really dont know why. its so unlike me. i just feel like it doesnt matter what i say. its all pointless. and i tend to just get teased when i am outgoing or stupid. but i used to like it because it made people smile and laugh.

i guess i just cant figure out why i'm not happy anymore. i just need something new. something to make me happy again.

this entry was pointless. and made no sense. but i guess thats why i like it. because thats how my life is right now.

this entry is lame. dont read it.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 07:13:19 GMT

my hairs back to the way you like it.
its long. and blonde. soft and straight.
with the dark underneath which you always called misleading.
i have bad tan lines.
which you were always a sucker for.
i still refuse to go to bed if i havent brused my teeth or washed my face.
for some reason you thought that was cute.
she still makes that godawful meat pie. why did you like it?
i still break cell phones like no other.
and randomly clean my room at 4am.
but my beds lonely now without you.
i always tell everyone i dont miss you. fuck. i miss you so much.
jen texted you from my phone and told you its someone elses number now.
i wish she hadnt.
i've gone through three different jobs since we broke up.
and you dont know about any of it.
i dont know about you.
i just threw away ur razor. i think i cried.
fine. i did.
you dont know where i go to school now.
i miss you.
i dont have our pictures any more.
either do you.
does that mean this will never be remembered?

ihml

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 07:14:01 GMT

i hate it that we havent spoken in over a month.

iloveyou. theend.

whoaa

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 22:54:59 GMT

soo i wasnt feeling well for the past week. i have a cold and it sucks. then i had my period and it sucked.

sunday night i really didnt feel well, so patrick came over and watched office space with me. then brooke and simon came over. funnn stuff. still didnt feel well.

woke up monday morning with the worst stomach pain ever. asked my mom for some meds. she asked what it felt like. and i told her it wasnt really my stomach it was above it and below it all along the right side. but it wasnt making me want to throw up or anything. she gave me something to make it feel better and i went to work. on the way to work i started crying it hurt so bad. i called dan and asked him where your appendix is. and right when he said on your right side i was just like FUCKKK.

so i worked the first part of my double and made an appointment with my doctor for 3pm.

he sent me to the hopsital. yepp. my appendix had burst.

and it sucked. no one can understand how i was able to stand let alone work. hmmp. they took it out monday at 8pm. and i got to come home yesterday around noon. and have been soooo bored since. it sucks being stuck in bed.

wierdist part.... friday night simon asked if i still had my appendix. i blame this all on him. the end.

what the fuck

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 23:44:16 GMT

everything is really wierd right now. everything feels weird. everything looks wierd. everyone acting weird. and i really dont like it.

i love it.

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 20:08:53 GMT

i was depressed about moving. then my plans went to shit. and its even more upsetting to not be moving. its like you wanted me to be gone. like you wanted to get rid of me. which honestly, that feeling sucks.

everything sucks right now. i feel like i am just this annoyance. no one really talks to me. or really cares that i am there. unless it comes to making fun of me. then you really notice i am there. and which makes it all so much better, is that your a bitch to me now.

i love this. you call me crying because ur boyfriend threw you against a wall, waking me up at 7am and i wake up calm you down and pick you up from the airport that same day. ditch everything that weekend to be with you and make sure you keep your mind off him. then you do this.

and then you call me countless times crying and i've aways been there for you. i've come over when cops were there when i could have just told you to call me later. everytime you have had a problem i have come and gotten you out of your house and calmed you down. i have always dropped anything for you. yet i call you hystraically crying and you say oh well let me call you later.

thanks.

i guess i'm really not worth anyones time. thanks.

whatcha think about that?

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 01:52:38 GMT

so if you do something, that you knew before hand you shouldnt do, but you still do it. and everyone told you not to do it. but you still do it. and after you do it, it doesnt feel wrong. was it worth doing it? because i still did it.

and i dont regret it....... yet.

problems

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 22:12:47 GMT

i have a confession to make.

i seem to have come down with this dieses.

many believe it to be a virus. others say its an std. its been known to be a terminal illness. it might even be communicable. most believe its as simple as the common cold. i on the other hand know the actually truth.

this dieses is worse than all timers. worse than Parkinson’s. worse than meningitis. worse than herpes.

its paranoia. and i am in the final stage.

lies and goodbye's

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 22:15:52 GMT

sooo i love you. everyone who called me yesterday to make sure i was okay.

somehow or another it meant the world to me.

yay for everyones house's being okay. fuck that fire scared me. but it made for the perfect day with jeannie. and the top of the world. oh my fucking god. sooo pretty. just sitting there with out backs to the fire, it just felt like we were escaping everything, and it was just so easy. dont look at it. and its not there. PERFECT.

i cant figure out life anymore. i jsut want things to go back to the way they were. when i understood life. when i understood you. when i understood myself. but i think i am getting there.

its just going to take a while.

i just need to hear back from schools. thats where my sanity lives.

aw shit nigg

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 05:54:53 GMT

sooo its now offical.

my profile is friends only. yeppp.

sorry. but dont worry. i'll still be talking mad shit. <33

whatttttttt

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 06:46:06 GMT

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

1.~How did you meet meninaa? high school
2.~What would you do if you had never met atimetohope? wait what?
3.~What do you honestly think of _posed2death_? i love her. shes spunky. and cute. and stevie.
4.~Would or did meninaa and meninaa go out? beth went out with beth. yes.
5.~Have you ever liked just_stilettos? hahahha i love my porn star.
6.~If one_inch_rock died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? i love you laura! since we were little!
7.~Would little_niki and thistimei_swear make a good couple? hahhah thats a wierd question... thistimeiswear should be dead by now. thanks.
8.~Describe deceivingxme in 3 words: alex. x. marteniz.
9.~Do you think meninaa is hot? beth is hella hot
10.~Would one_inch_rock and meninaa make a lovely couple? lesbian lovely
11.~What do you think of when you see meninaa? 730am
12.~Tell me something humiliating about thistimei_swear: he pretends to be someones daddy
13.~Do you know any of ikeepminehidden's family members? allllllllll of them. besides the germany ones.
14.~What's meninaa's favorite color? ummm hella.
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is meninaa? hella 10.
16.~What would you do if thesamemistakes just professed their undying love for you? tell jeannie.
17.~What language does meninaa speak? hella.
18.~Who is meninaa going out with? chico. yea. chicos her boyfriend.
19.~Is justapinklady a boy or a girl? girl i think....
20.~Would meninaa and thesamemistakes make a good couple? hahha um no
21.~Who do you think meninaa would be great with from this list? umm no ones good enough for her
22.~When was the last time you talked to meninaa? cant remember
23.~What is just_stilettos's favorite band? porn
24.~Does little_niki have any siblings? no clue
25.~Would you ever date ikeepminehidden? yeppp she my lover
26.~Would you ever date deceivingxme? ummm hahha alex!
27.~Is meninaa single? i dont know!!
28.~What is meninaa's last name? berry's
29.~What is meninaa's middle name? rasp
30~What is _posed2death_'s fantasy? ummm
31.~Where does justapinklady live? calabasassssssss
32.~Would you make out with meninaa? hahhaha no
33.~Are atimetohope and ikeepminehidden best friends? they dont know each other...
34.~Does deceivingxme like meninaa? do they even know each other??
35.~How did you meet meninaa? refer to question number 1
36.~Is meninaa older than you? nopppe
37.~Is meninaa the sexiest person alive? hella

can i got throw up now?

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 22:03:46 GMT

yea. i can.

no thanks. i dont want what you have to offer. i never did.

sooo i got a new lap top. and a new ipod. ummmm yea. i'm pretty excited.

soooooo yea. i really dont think i have been this happy in a long time. plus i hung out with jeannie last night. awesome. haha. maybe you should hold my hand and remind me of why this is so much better than the past.

ONE SEMESTER LEFT AT MOORPARK!!!! then az... or sd..... i really cant make up my mind. but i love you. so dont leave me yet.

"nevaeh loves me and calls me dad"..... priceless.